Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
