Rock
Scissors
Fuck
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Randomize