i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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