I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i will never coherently bang her
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
