Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
