Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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