I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
