I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
