What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
