even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize