living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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