I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
