Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
