somebody snuck up and got me drunk
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
