Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Randomize
