Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
