The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
