So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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