At least make sure they are 18
Why
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
