Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
