So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize