Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
