i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
