I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
