Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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