I can't breathe out the right side of my face
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
