I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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