mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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