why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
