you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
