so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
