Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
