Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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