My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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