I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
