"it" just moved
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
