But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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