he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I just found puke in my bra..
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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