hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
