I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize