that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Randomize
