if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
