Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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