It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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