i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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