if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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