why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
And then my night got REAL pukey
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
