Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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