My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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