need another drink. this is the easiest way
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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