I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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