Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
