I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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