Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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