it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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