Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
