how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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