i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
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