Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
