Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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