Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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