then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
