we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
