i don't like sucking hair
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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